1. I can drink as many glasses of wine as I like. However, the amount I can muster these days appears to be around the single glass mark before I fall asleep mid sentence. On the rare occasion I splash out on that second glass, I get so ravenously drunk I have to eat eleven bags of wotsits.
2. I delight in baby fashion. Pre birth I was certain baby would wear all white or neutral.
I realise my folly.
Babies should wear things covered in little animals, stripes, and things that make them look like animals.
3. I have no time to prepare meals thus able to succeed at a previously unsuccessful diet I had begun pre baby. Bags of spinach mashed up in some fancy blender with a bit of mouldy strawberry thrown in to liven things up.
4. I lied when I said I have no time to prepare meals. What I mean is, nap time is taken up by online shopping for baby clothes and planning on what baby’s ‘look’ should be.
5. I used to think a tidy house meant that person had sadly succumbed to evil middle class expectations of hygiene, the poor conformist. Now mess actually drives me out of my tiny mind. ALL THINGS HAVE A HOME! I mutter as I fill up the ‘miscellaneous’ drawer and shove larger items behind the door.
6. It’s half six in the morning and Squeak has just poked me in the eye. Thanks baby! I feel so refreshed. Three hours sleep on the trot. Today is going to be a good day!
7. Sometimes I am filled with so much joy I don’t where to put myself. If I think about Squeak’s journey in my tummy then venturing out then how I hobbled around for ages but tried not to show it and the first time he showed his genuine distaste over something I did (blowing in his face too much) and how he laughs with all his belly…well I finally understand how electrical devices feel when they overheat.
8. If I show up clean and dressed I believe I deserve some kind of achievement award. “Thank you for coming! And thanks for the shiny face and clothing which cover all your body parts. I can also see you brushed your teeth today!”
9. I look so boring. Where are my zebra leggings and stripey dungarees? Interesting, yet practical.
10. It’s weird seeing part of your face staring back at you. I thought Squeak would have my colouring (dark hair and eyes) but he is fair like his dad yet has my shaped eyes. This I wasn’t expecting. I think about it all the time like some puzzle I can’t complete.
11. I’m still not sure about babies. I like them, but I continue to have an underlying suspicion that they think I’m some kind of idiot.
12. I believed becoming a mother meant ownership over another person. It seems instead, that person owns me. I follow him, as best and as kindly as I can.